I never really realized the power of forgiveness, until I experienced what I can only describe as ultimate forgiveness.
There came a point in my relationship with my father where I knew the hurt and pain of the past was poisoning my present. Deep down I could not possibly become the version of happiness that I wanted to be if I kept following this same, dead-end path. After all, I had every reason in the world to be upset, angry, and bitter as a daughter. At some point I realized that these emotions were doing me more harm then good and I began to wonder if there was another way to feel and understand the past in my present.
Let's be honest. I was tired of the way I felt. It was as if my back was up against the wall. How could it possibly be any different? I could not change the events of the past. My father was never going to change his ways and frankly I knew he never would. Someone had to give and I accepted it had to be me.
So, I stood at a very uncomfortable point where I was looking down at 2 extreme options. And the easiest way to describe it was:
Did I want a father in my future life?
<or>
Could I simply go without? Could I simply write him off and be done with it, so that this entire thing was over?
I actually knew that it would be impossible to write him out of my life. After all, I had already tried that route and failed. I had already suspended contact with him for over a year one time, yet that hadn’t seemed to get me anywhere close to feeling better. It actually made me feel worse.
So, what did I do?
Well, I took this issue to task. It became the topic of my catharsis, dancing, celebration, and silence at an ashram in India. It was a theme that I carried around with for 7 days of introspection. I went so deep into the pain during catharsis that I was basically unwrapping all the deepest, darkest, scariest memories of the past that I recalled as the relationship with my father. Most of it landed in extreme sadness. A sad little girl who just didn't feel entirely loved by their Dad. I kept going into my anger, my pain and my story of what my dad held me victim to. I kept going through my pain, feeling it fully. Fully allowing it to take over.
Even today, I would tell you that the story is indeed still true. I had not exaggerated or made up any of the reasons I felt such pain, then. It was all entirely true. Yet, after about day 5, somehow the catharsis felt over. There was no more left to release. The intensity had reduced and somehow the experience only became my past. It held no emotion any longer. None. Only the story remained, black and white, almost meaningless in a way without the emotion.
And again I remembered the choice I had given myself. Did I want a father in my life? I did want a dad and somehow found hope that it was possible. And in making that choice, I realized I would have to accept my father in his entirety. I could not pick and choose only his characteristics I found acceptable. I would have to take each and every part of him and fully accept and love even his most violent and aggressive flaws. Wow! That is not a statement you make every day and shows the power of the connection with a parent.
For me, ultimate forgiveness was actually the process of releasing all emotion from the past and accepting all that was going to come as a result of my decision to stick with my dad. I had already forgiven him for his swearing, impulsive outbursts and potential future embarrassments with family. None of his behaviors would impact me the same way as they did in the past. I had truly learned to accept. Accept who my dad was and that I was his daughter.
While the forgiveness of the past seemed to take only days and hours, the latter part took time to unravel. I held to my decision and understood the separation between this person I called my father and the person who is just a human. He actually became more human to me in many respects. Just like me, he is flawed and that is okay. I am also flawed as a daughter.
Today, my conversations with my dad are some of my most cherished moments. He's mellowed a lot with age and I have found the ultimate humor in his often peculiar and unique style of life. He is a walking almanac and can talk about the weather, amount of rain and the height of the corn that season with such utter detail, it's amazing. Yes, it took time to reach where I am today. And yes, I had to do a lot of listening before he was ready to listen about my life. In that time, I have learned to let go and make this process less about me and more about the relationship. Even today, I am able to feel less impacted by his behavior, or take it personally.
After all, that is what I decided I wanted; a relationship with my dad.
I may only experience this 'ultimate forgiveness' once in my life, yet I wonder what else is possible when I drop the judgment, accept what is and take myself out of the center of things.... in this space, so much more is possible.
